“Today, we are faced with a profound choice: do we continue with the status quo, marked by pain, disconnection, and division? Or do we choose a different path—one of joy, health, and fulfillment, where we turn toward each other instead of away from each other; where we choose love over fear; where we recognize community as the irreplaceable foundation for our well-being? As I finish my tenure as Surgeon General, this is my parting prescription, my final wish for all of us: choose community.” -Dr. Vivek Murthy, Surgeon General, from a press release announcing his departure Jan 7, 2025
(image of Dr Vivek Murthy, now former US Surgeon General)
Last year, the office of US Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy wrote a nearly 30 page health advisory about the mental health issue of parental stress. I think this is particularly relevant to us here at Integrated Schools, as we are a movement of parents and caregivers, and I imagine we all relate to so many aspects of this report.
Dr. Murthy writes; “I also feel the weight of the daily big and small decisions we have to make as parents that don’t come with an instruction manual. Being a dad is the toughest and most rewarding job I’ve ever had. The work of parenting is essential not only for the health of children but also for the health of society. Additionally, we know that the well-being of parents and caregivers is directly linked to the well-being of their children. The stresses parents and caregivers have today are being passed to children in direct and indirect ways, impacting families and communities across America. Yet in modern society, parenting is often portrayed as a less important, less valued pursuit. Nothing could be further from the truth.”
Dr. Murthy suggests essential policy changes The US needs to make in order to support families. Things like child tax credits, affordable childcare, universal preschool, expanded family leave benefits, universal healthcare, investment in community programs that bring parents together.
I would like to offer an additional opportunity for stress relief. Maybe what could really help is for parents to turn down the “shark music” of making decisions around where kids go to school. Especially for those with the privilege of abundant choices, maybe if we stopped worrying so much about the “best” and started focusing more on what is “enough,” we would find our lives less stressful and chaotic.
(Image: My kids, age 7 and 10, picketing with their teachers for more public school funding in Arizona in 2022)
Caregiving is not given the structural support that it deserves as essential work in a healthy society. And it’s not valued as the job it actually is. And, its emotionally perilous, as our dear friend Courtney Martin so clearly articulates. All parents need help, and race and class significantly alter the stakes. Rising income inequality has made raising kids a scarier and more unaffordable prospect for so many.
The Surgeon General addresses this by going on to say: “[Solutions] will also require us to rethink cultural norms around parenting. Part of that will involve shifting how we value parenting. The work of raising a child is work, no less valuable than the work performed in a paid job and of extraordinary value when it comes to the impact on the future of society. Additionally, while parents and caregivers bear the primary responsibility for raising children, society as a whole must see itself as sharing in this responsibility [emphasis added]—and shaping policy, programs, and individual behavior accordingly.”
YES. Society as a whole must see itself as sharing in the responsibility… for EVERY child. And when it comes to education, a crucial part of raising a child, that means we are all responsible for equitable, fully funded, integrated public schools. This is the heart of our work here at Integrated Schools.
Dr. Murthy mentions other things contributing to parental stress: “an intensifying culture of comparison” and “chasing expectations”. As a parent with racial and economic privilege, I recognize how little stress I actually have about meeting my children’s basic needs. And yet, I have still felt the pull of the expectation and comparison game, and many similarly situated parents I know express great stress and anxiety about their children’s comfort, happiness, and future, despite the cushion of privilege they are able to provide.
This pervasive stress often shows up in choosing schools for our kids. The comparison game leads us to believe that the stakes are so high that we have no choice but to choose expensive private schools or move to the suburbs for “better schools” or choose schools where resources are much more concentrated. We feel our job is to run, not walk, to get the best programs for our kids, even if that means a 45 minute commute back and forth, a fundraiser every other Wednesday, and on and on . . .
I understand from personal experience (also here, here, and here) that if you perceive that one of your goals as a parent is to make sure your kids are successful, hoarding all the best opportunities, prizes, and advantages can feel like the way to win the game. I also believe that there is a different, healthier version of raising our kids. We can make decisions that not only remove some of the stress of school choices, but could also, in the long run, help lower this stress for all families in our communities.
It starts by saying no to the spreadsheets, the season of tours, the hours of phone calls and interviews with friends who have older kids… For many of us, it can be as simple as choosing our non-resource concentrating neighborhood school. All of us can take steps, big and small, away from resource hoarding and towards supporting a fully funded, integrated public education system. This is an opportunity to lower the stress level AND to have a positive impact on our communities.
(Image: My kids, getting on the bus)
By supporting a system of public education that’s accessible to all, by integrating your family (not as leaders or saviors, but as participants and learners), your enrollment dollars as well as your belief and trust in public education, can be contagious and create opportunity. And that is not to paint an annoyingly, toxically positive portrait of American public schools. They are under attack, for sure. Many are struggling. And schools that don’t concentrate Whiteness and wealth surely don’t have the financial resources all communities deserve. And so much of that can be traced back to divestment from the system and lack of political will to prioritize them.
If the stress of competition is contagious, I believe the antidote is the confidence of leaning into a system where we want every single child to get a quality education and thrive. For me it has actually felt like the opposite of stress. It feels like a real purpose. And when stress does appear, when I see that my kids’ school doesn’t have a full roster of teachers on the first day, or my district has a budget deficit, or is facing the prospect of closing schools, it’s not that I don’t worry or have concern, but that concern isn’t about how to make sure my kid can apply to 20 colleges, or if she has enough club soccer to really get that scholarship. It’s concern for what the future holds for my community, for the country, and that expands my focus outwards to all the kids.
The links and photos above span a time from 2017 to now, and as I revisit them I am pleased to see where I have grown, and that I still believe in and stand by everything I said, close to a decade later. And my kids still attend our local, global majority public schools. I have absolutely felt a shift in my stress level, for the better. And so I continue to lean in to advocate for more for all, instead of more for mine. And that feels pretty good. Sending my child to my neighborhood school, a school that doesn’t segregate wealth and Whiteness, has been good for my mental health and is one small part of helping to contribute to more high quality education for all our children. And with everything happening in our country, and our world at the moment, it feels like just as good a place to focus as any.
That joy, that purpose, is definitely available to you as well. Because while I can say with unbridled confidence that it has lowered my stress level, I must absolutely credit all those at Integrated Schools who came before me to create this community, for without the gathering of these ideas and experiences, I don’t think I would have trusted myself to make these choices for my family, alone.
So I extend my hand to you, as well, and offer you belonging here, so that you can go out into your community and belong there, with less stress and more purpose. Come to a book club, subscribe to the podcast, follow us on social media. Take the Two Tour Pledge, sign up for Caregiver Connection, share these resources with a friend. You are most welcome to set down your burden with us. And we can move forward, together.
(Image: me (Anna) with my kids now, ages 13 and 9)
0 Comments