Civics, Community, and Allyship: Why We Chose Our Local Public School

by | Aug 15, 2017

When parents ask me where my daughter is going to kindergarten, I tell them my local, public, elementary school. Many are surprised, and follow the question up with “Oh! Is […]

Screen Shot 2017-08-15 at 9.17.23 PM.pngWhen parents ask me where my daughter is going to kindergarten, I tell them my local, public, elementary school. Many are surprised, and follow the question up with “Oh! Is that a good school?”

Sometimes, even though I don’t mean it, I say, “no.” I say that because I think based on the metrics most parents are using for determining a “good” school, it isn’t. It doesn’t have yoga, or a PTA, or art classes. It has uniforms, a meager budget, dwindling enrollment. They don’t offer organic lunch options, or structured after school enrichment. There is no knitting class, no circle time, no restorative justice conflict resolution programs. There is no dual language program, or foreign language program, no play structure or jungle gym. It is 72% Latino, 15% Asian/Filipino, 5% white, 5% black. It is 83% low-income. It is, and has been, historically ignored by the majority of affluent families and community members in our neighborhood. Year after year, it stands proud, despite the silent avoidance of many, a school desperately eager to serve the children of this community, regardless of their families social and intellectual capital.

We had options. Charter schools abound, and we got in to a lot of them. We are extremely fortunate and probably could have afforded private school. And this “Yay! First day of Kindergarten!”- complete with backpack, sneakers and a smile- post is meant to act as a manifesto, as a rallying cry, as no-holds barred monologue of our truth, of my truth, as a mother, a neighbor, a community member in a vibrant diverse, urban, Los Angeles neighborhood.

Here’s why we CHOSE this school.

Because it IS a good school, with loving parents, teachers, and administrators. Without the glossy brochures, the extra fancy professional development, the “team-building.”

Because there is no lottery, no admissions process, no waitlist. No back door secret enrollment policies. You live in this neighborhood; this school belongs to you.

Because it is a school brimming with potential and excellence, despite many families and people in our neighborhood who ignore it or don’t consider it worth attending and supporting

Because just as the grassy strip of parkway in front of my house is my responsibility to maintain for myself and my neighbors, my local elementary school is also that- my responsibility. My responsibility to patronize, to trust, to support.

Because unless I am intentionally placing my children in diverse settings, both socio-economically and racially, unless I am intentionally acknowledging and addressing the issues of school segregation that have divided this great city, I will raise a racist. I won’t mean to. But intentions are no longer enough. Unless I am forcibly putting her out in to the world, confident in her resilience, humanity, and grit, I will keep her cloistered and separate from the truth of what it really means to be an equal among equals.

Because unless my children grow up with peers who come from different backgrounds, families, experiences, they will normalize their white privilege and when it comes time (sooner rather than later) to educate them about structural racism and classism and their part and responsibility to dismantle that system, they will have no context if the only thing they have seen is tokenism, poverty porn, and “model minorities.” Filling a bag full of hygiene products for homeless people, attending a women’s march, donating toys or clothes to low-income kids at Christmas. Those are ego-inflating, guilt-assuaging attempts to to teach empty parables of gratitude, meritocracy, and capitalism. They are good things to do, but if that is the only contact my child has with the real world, no amount of “education” will undo the tacit biased social contract that this creates and reinforces.

I also then hear this, a lot: “Well, ultimately, if it doesn’t work out, then you can just leave and find a different school.” And they are right in theory; my privilege is my choice, that I have the intellectual and social capital to find a school that would cater to my liberal sensibilities (meditation club, no-homework and no-worksheet policies, opt-out testing options, gifted & talented education, writer’s workshop). However, in the practice of being a member of this community who cares about equity in education, in the practice of being an anti-racist ally who will use my privilege as a force for good, in the practice that my kid deserves as good of an education as EVERY kid in my neighborhood (nothing more, nothing less), it is no longer enough to condemn this two tiered, race and class based system of education. I refuse to propagate this system by being willing to sacrifice another child’s educational opportunities for my own’s.  

And I am confident that things will be messy, fun, frustrating, exciting, boring, amazing, and imperfectly perfect. When I turn down the JAWS soundtrack that the only way to be a good parent is best preschool>best elementary school>best high school> best college> best life and if I haven’t done that I have failed, then there is joy to be found in simplicity, in adversity, and maybe even in a little HOMEWORK or a few WORKSHEETS. That maybe if my kids lives and educations aren’t perfectly orchestrated or curated or cultivated they could still be amazing humans.

Our lives begin and end the day we become silent about the things that matter. -MLK

 

(ScaryMommy picked up this article.  Read that here)

103 Comments

  1. cemykytyn

    Would love to hear YOUR first day of school stories!

    • Molly Moore

      Thank you; this is so well written! I also hear in Durham NC: “Good for you, thank you for going, when my child is older maybe the school will better.” I have been bothered by this comment and I learned to reply, “The school was already a fabulous school before we got there and thankfully it is saving my family from the proverty of choice.”

      • cemykytyn

        !!! yes !!! applause for stopping that “fix-the-broken-school” story whenever you get the chance. the “poverty of choice” line had me laughing out loud. Love.

  2. Kim

    As a dear friend of mine, you inspire me always!!!!
    GO LUCY!!!!!
    I am so proud of your undying determination to make your offspring caring people..

  3. Sol

    I’m a school principal in Chicago serving in a beautiful school I love! Our school sounds just like what you are describing. Thank you for sharing your powerful thoughts! I’m moved to tears.

    • ILOVECAKE

      Sol- i couldn’t be more encouraged and inspired by YOUR response to this! Thank you for your thankless, tireless dedication to our next generation. Hugs

    • cemykytyn

      this makes me so happy 🙂

  4. Carrie

    Thank you thank you, this is so wonderful. We love walking to our neighborhood school, and I acutely feel that sense of responsibility to tend to it. Over the years that my kids have been there, the word has gotten out about our school, and now the demographics are changing as much wealthier, mostly whiter, families move to our neighborhood to attend. Parents desperate to permit into our school just didn’t seem to take it in when I told them, your own neighborhood school could be just like this, it might already be really amazing, don’t be afraid to try it out and get involved. There’s so much fear.

    • Anna

      Thanks Carrie! I especially like what you said at the end, that their school might already be amazing. This conversation about public schools, especially urban, and oftentimes segregated ones, is complex. It is a much bigger conversation than just one post or essay. This entire site, and everyone involved here at Integrated Schools, is dedicated to having these conversations, even if they are messy, or unpredictable, or painful. There are so many nuances to unpack. And we all have a lot to learn. We are also working on a workbook aimed to assist families in their journey, so please keep checking the site. We love constructive contributions to the conversation like this one! Hugs

      • Sarah

        Love your message – just one point for thought coming from somebody who attended a formerly black school that grew a large affluent white student population due to gentrification of the neighborhood… Just make sure that as others follow your lead, that you don’t let the school be come a two school school where poc have a different experience and make sure the poc don’t inevitably get pushed out of the school or neighborhood

  5. Monica

    Thanks for this. I could practically have written it. The LAUSD school up the street from us is warm, welcoming, nurturing, economically and ethnically diverse, and “has low test scores.” My oldest son went there for K-5th, then went to middle school in a rigorous magnet honors program nearby. He had *no* trouble keeping up after being in a school with “low test scores.”

    Now my younger son is in 4th grade there, his fifth year, and we just got his first results from standardized testing. He literally pegged the math test, and scored in the top half of the “Exceeds Standard” for the ELA test. Being in a school with “low test scores” doesn’t seem to have hurt him any either.

    I have often said, if a school isn’t good enough for *my* kids, how can it be good enough for my neighbors’ kids? But we are still struggling against declining enrollments and charter incursion. :-/

    Thank you for expressing this so clearly.

    • ILOVECAKE

      Monica, Thank you for taking the time to comment. We really appreicate hearing from parents. Especially encouraging stories like yours! I am sure it hasn’t always been easy. I hope you will continue to contribute to this site. All the best to your family and your school!

    • cemykytyn

      this, a thousand times this: I have often said, if a school isn’t good enough for *my* kids, how can it be good enough for my neighbors’ kids?

  6. Anonymous

    I think you are right on so many levels but I just can’t do it. I tried it and we had a good enough kindergarten experience but a bad 1st grade one. I know I am not someone who is any good at doing the school parent involvement thing (I really suck at it) and my son needs waaaay more challenge. We are trying private this year, and, yes, I am so lucky to have that privileged choice. If it doesnt click to the point that its worth it, I may homeschool or take up public again but, In many ways, I am mirroring my own deeply varied educational experience (public, International, private, correspondence, etc). I am seeking to find the right match for my child’s whole person because I really feel I must. I loved school myself and it was and continues to be such a strong part of my identity that I don’t feel I can do anything else. If I am vigilant, I believe the civic and social lessons for this child can still be learned.

    • ILOVECAKE

      Thank you for your contribution to this conversation, even though your experience was not positive. I am sorry for that, and I appreciate the honest appraisal of your situation and choices. I too, have had a deeply varied educational experience, and want to pass that on to my child. And I am unsure, in all honesty, if I really know where a child develops their love of learning. If it is at home, than it sounds like both our children will be just fine. And if it is at school, then I hope that even though it may be through adversity, my children will be challenged to find solutions to problems and come out of it understanding how important education is, for them and the community of individuals surrounding them. All the best to you. Parenting isn’t easy!

  7. Jasmine

    When you show this to your daughter in 15 years, she will not forgive you. Crippling your children by sending them to schools that crush their love of learning so they are at the same level as the less fortunate is not the best way forward.

    • ILOVECAKE

      Jasmine, I’m sorry my parenting decisions have brought up big feelings for you, for you to feel the need to use strong language and absolute statements. I assure you this (raising a life long lover of learning) is something we have thought very deeply and thoroughly about. I have yet to find significant examples, either through research or anecdotal conversations with parents, that prove to me beyond a reasonable doubt that her school will crush her love of learning. I appreciate your participation in this conversation, but I implore you to share your personal experiences, and please avoid fortune telling or shaming as we are all in this journey of raising children together. I would also like to request to all participants in this conversation that we keep the discourse kind and civil, and stick to statements we would feel comfortable saying in person, to a friend, rather than comments meant to illicit shame or guilt. If you have alternative ideas about how to end school segregation and create systems of equitable public education, i would love to hear about them. I wish you all the best in your life, Jasmine.

      • cemykytyn

        My kids are now in middle and high school and have been at schools like this all the way through. They are still incredibly curious and excited to learn.

      • Barbara

        I have to say that “high test score” schools are no guarantor of love of learning. I took my son out of one such school (and it happened to be our neighborhood school) because the curriculum was so rigid that he was actually being held back. He went from being enthusiastic about school to hardly caring any more.

      • Ky

        This is such a loving, gracious response. What a beautiful way to word all of this. I loved your article, but this response to this commenter shows your heart! <3

    • MrsD

      With all due respect, you are wrong in so many ways. My parents sent my sister and I to our neighborhood school, which was very diverse (I don’t know the percentages because I was busy being a kid and not looking at demographics). White students were in the minority and most students were low-income. The school didn’t even have a playground for a couple of years. And you know what? I received a GREAT education. It was a loving, caring environment with amazing teachers who definitely did not “crush” my love of learning. In fact, I am now a school social worker, where I have worked in a low income district for 17 years. I am currently working on my second master’s degree, to become a principal. My sister, who went to the same school, is now a teacher herself. And before you try to say that must be an anomaly and unrelated to my elementary school, I am still in touch with many of my classmates and they are also educated, successful, lifelong learners.

      Maybe instead of focusing on shielding your kids from (gasp!) “the less fortunate” you should focus on making schools equitable for ALL students, regardless of income.

  8. Anonymous

    I like the idea of this and commend you for your sacrificial contribution to the larger problem at hand.

    However, why would you want to purposefully deny your child the access to specialized programs such as the meditation, organic lunches, second language immersion and beyond?

    Have you not worked hard to be in a position to provide yourself those things and your family? I don’t believe working 80+ hours a week (between my husband and I) seeing very little of our son btw to provide an even better childhood/educational experience is a privilege, I believe it’s earned. I don’t believe my son should pay the price even more than he already has to hardly seeing his parents. Why not provide him with the opportunity to find a love for learning or meditation or whatever it may be?

    • ILOVECAKE

      I appreciate the time you took to contribute to this conversation. I feel like anyone who takes the time to comment with questions deserves a response. I want to first say that I don’t view this choice as a sacrifice. I MAY be sacrificing little things, like woodworking camp after school, but I really do see other benefits for her. Different ones. I believe (and have experienced first hand) that there are sacrifices you make by sending your kids to a privileged school (less diversity, more competition, less parental involvement, more consumerism and conspicuous consumption). Not to mention the time in the car. There is lots of research (written about here on this site!) about how diverse classrooms are good for learning, both racially and socio-economically. It was enough for me, after the year I spent neck deep in researching, touring, comparing, that I feel like she will benefit enormously (and I think she will have a good time too). I should also take a moment to explain our specific circumstances- for example, that we meditate with our kids everyday, that I pack their (organic) lunches and they bring them to school, that my kids can go to a language immersion summer camp. They have groovy stuff. And I can’t speak to my kids paying a price being away from us because I am a stay at home mom- also both a choice, a sacrifice, and a privilege. I will say that I think my daughter is going to have a great life and a great educational experience, even if its imperfect. I have spent a lot of time touring her school and meeting with administrators. It’s biggest issue is it has declining enrollment and therefore, declining funding. So, in as respectful a way as possible, I believe that we can participate as citizens at this school, find ways to be involved, without taking over or alienating the dedicated parents that have been working hard to make the school a great place, and we can join their efforts, with our social, intellectual, and physical capital, to contribute to this great institution for the benefit of all the kids in my neighborhood. Much kindness to you on your parenting journey

  9. Gen Parmentier

    Something I’ m holding in mind, reading this article, is the content of a public education, which I feel typically gives bias to white supremacy systems in the way it contexualizes and teaches. In this way, white able-bodied people are centered in a way that I fear only reinforces oppressive systems. I don’t what the answers are, and I respect many people in education, it’s where my heart lies. I feel uneasy about the way this article seems to ignore those complexities, and essentially, ironically, center white privilege.

    • ILOVECAKE

      Gen, I appreciate the time you took to respond thoughtfully to this. Thank you. I can see how I appeared to skim over the complex and concerning issues of institutionalized bias (racism, ableism, classism) in our public schools, and not just as it relates to curriculum, but also in regards to discipline (how white kids are treated differently vs children of color), tracking (who is tested/accepted into gifted and AP programming), parent involvement (PTA accessibility), etc. This is something I will not claim to completely understand, nor do I have a solution other than showing up, attempting to be a listener, to de-center myself, and learn from others. I am constantly educating myself through media and organizations (Like Safety Pin Box, Mamademics “Raising an Advocate”) about how to be a real ally. This is rocky, uncertain terrain, and I could never attempt to explain all of it in one blog post or Facebook status. This site, and organization, is committed to facing the complexities of desegregating education, de-centering ourselves as the consumers of all the best education, challenging educational opportunity hoarding, and helping parents become better, more equitable role models and partners. I appreciate the reminder of of this primary purpose.

    • cemykytyn

      Gen, I totally agree that the content and structure of public ed definitely centers whiteness. In, like, Every Way. And it needs to change.

      It must be the collaborative work of ALL parents, admins, and faculty to push for change and EQUITY. And it definitely needs to be the work of white and privileged parents, too. For too long, we’ve not been a part of this effort. We’ve been comfortably sending our kids to privilege-segregated schools where centering whiteness is the whole game.

      I’m seconding what ILOVECAKE says about all the ways in which we can advocate for equity (and not just our own kids). But until we are present, I fear we will not be of any use in breaking this apart.

      And, no, her article didn’t address these issues and wasn’t really meant to do that. But you’re absolutely right in saying that we need to have a louder conversation about it all RIGHT NOW. 🙂

      • Gen Parmentier

        I’m sorry if I came off only as critical. I really appreciate this conversation as I feel very uncertain right now about making a wise and just decision for my family. I wish that I could feel as certain and confident as the author! Thank you for replying and giving me the opportunity to have more conversation around this!

      • cemykytyn

        Gen… (not sure why i wasn’t able to reply directly. sorry!). I don’t think you came off as critical at all! These are the difficult conversations that we need to have. This is complicated … And we’ve been doing it so terribly for so long, it’s going to take a while… But always keeping this central is important and we should always lift it up everywhere. We can NOT have meaningful integration when whiteness centers it. You’re absolutely on point.

        (I hope YOU didn’t feel uncomfortable in this space bringing it up!)

    • Ann Marie

      Gen Permentier, you have made a very interesting comment. I would like to share my experience. I attended majority-black, low and middle income public elementary, middle and high schools on the south side of Chicago in the 60’s and 70’s. I am white-skinned. The curriculum at my schools heavily emphasized learning from a black perspective. We read and studied a variety of black literature, learned black history and learned about non white inventors, scientists, leaders, etc, and most of my teachers were black. As a non-black ( I don’t identify myself as “white” precisely because of what you refer to in your comment, although anyone can identify me as white if they just look at my skin color) I feel that this black focused education has added incredible value to my life, my interests and my relationships. Although the author states several times that she is aware of her privilege, I also have an uneasy feeling when reading this. In many conversations with parents of school aged children, I am left depressed and discouraged by the implicit bias that going to schools with people of color or from lower income brackets will deprive their child of a “good” education, and an education that they “deserve”. (Even this author had to become defensive and state her ability to provide “more” experiences for her child.) Some of the comments here actually give me that that same feeling. My parents never provided us with any extra lessons, we never went to any enrichment camps or summer camps, we never meditated or ate organic foods or did yoga. We did not own a TV or a car until I was 12. We all ran the streets and spent lots of time in the library. Some of us took up musical instruments, sports or other interests that my parents supported, but didn’t go out looking to give us these opportunities. Some of my siblings never graduated from high school, some of us have master’s degrees, but all of us are well-rounded, intelligent people who are involved in social justice issues and maintain deep friendships with people from our school days, that we would never have developed if my parents had raised us in the lily white suburb where most of us were born.

  10. Kitty Cahalan

    Wholehearted agreement from me. We also sent our children to our neighborhood school. The year my son started kinder, the district opened two new dual language immersion programs we could have enrolled him in. There were STEM magnets and an IB magnet and schools with higher scores and more middle class families and a lot more white kids than ours, which, like yours, was about 5% white. We tried the open-enrollment lottery and got into the IB school, but turned it down in the end. I would not change our decision for anything.

    The school was warm and welcoming and filled with dedicated professionals who knew how to teach and reach any type of child. My two children had teachers who remembered themselves coming to the U.S. from Latin America and from Armenia not speaking English. My kids could see the compassion those teachers had for students who were learning English in their classes. They had black teachers who grew up in the South or right here in Southern California, and my kids could hear those stories, but also see those teachers relating to their black students in ways that a teacher of another race probably cannot. They had white teachers and Filipino teachers and a Jewish principal married to a black man and classmates who were every color and background. There were staff members who had had difficult lives and survived tragedies and could deeply feel when a child was going through something difficult. No child there had to look hard to find an adult who could relate to what they were feeling.

    My kids are in middle school and thriving, and they didn’t miss out because there was no yoga or organic food. Except in the end there was, because a mom who loved yoga who had her kids at the school and came to teach yoga to kindergarteners. And a dad who loved to build came and built a raised-bed garden, and another who works in landscaping came and put in sprinklers, and then a mom who loved to garden came and filled it with vegetables that the kids helped her plant as part of science class. And another mom came and picked those vegetable to help the kindergarten teacher make salads each weak for snack time. These parents who felt like you and I do took time from their work and their lives and worked off a shoestring budget to pour love into the community. I wouldn’t give that up for my kids for all the school frills in the world.

    I’ll say one thing about a PTA, because there are many misconceptions about them – many people think that PTAs only thrive in schools where there are enough stay-at home, affluent parents to work it and raise $250,000. That perception couldn’t be farther from the truth – in our mostly-low-income district, 25 of the 28 schools have PTAs, and since PTA is about serving all kids, there is no school that doesn’t benefit when it has one. Most of our PTA units in our district raise less than $10,000 a year, but the opportunity to collaborate with school staff to organize volunteers and build the community has lasting effects on the school, and opportunities for parents to grow as community leaders. In my time as a parent at the school, we had moms, dads, grandmas, foster parents, single parents, adoptive parents, special ed parents, immigrants, Latinos, African-Americans, Asian, Filipino and white parents serving together on the PTA board. I grew up in a diverse community and went to public schools until college, but if anything made me open my eyes to the lives of other people, it was serving on PTA with those parents, and I learned as much about what is great about my community as my kids did.

    Best wishes with your kindergarten daughter, and may she turn out to be as much a citizen of the world as you are preparing her to be!

  11. Lexie

    I understand and respect your choice and I hope it works out for your daughter. She may do wonderfully. Or she may need some supplemental help or enrichment, and since you said yourself you are of some means, you will probably be able to provide that. But what if your daughter or your family are rejected by the school? It happens indirectly all the time in public schools. I am a former special ed teacher and have three boys. My husband and I are also blind. My family never struggled more than when we had our kids in public. First, it was just the logistics of blind parenthood. They made no effort to accommodate us. It was constant written hand outs, we missed information all the time. There were no sidewalks to the school, they expected everyone to drive their kids. There was no way to help our kids with homework. Then, I have a sone with a learning disability in reading. They were literally going to do nothing for him. Basically, he was going to get behind and be frustrated in every class because the IEP process was going to take years and they had no desire or means to accommodate him. What happened to my other son was just bazaar. He was academically fine. But he was miserable there. They had all these carrot and stick approaches to managing the classroom. He would stress out because if the class was “good” for the day they would get an award, and he was not a disruptive kid, but the thought that he could mess it up for the class gave him such anxiety that he would spend hours hiding under the table. The school just really kind of kicked us out. No they couldn’t officially kick us out and of course I could have fought it, but we were told that this wasn’t a good setting for our kids. I promise you (and I am a former special ed teacher so I do have some perspective on this) my kids are not horrible trouble makers or too out of the ordinary. But I felt the public schools forced me to homeschool by rejecting my family that did not fit perfectly in their management box. Now, my kid with LD is thriving, he can read but uses blindness methods (voiceover, audio books) to do much of his school work (except reading which we require he does with his eyeballs.) My other child is thriving and has never had a behavior issue in his part time homeschooling co-op. My third child is pretty typical and probably would have fit in better (I think?) in public, but my older kids literally threw themselves in front of him and demanded I not send him to public. Homeschooling lets me make sure that I can access their learning materials way more than public did. I am not anti public school. I respect teachers and I think most of them try their best in difficult conditions. I never expected to be a homeschooling mom. But here I am because the public schools had no tolerance for any differences whatsoever. It wasn’t me who rejected public school, they pretty much rejected us. So, even being able to pick public school and supplement to support your kid if need be is in a way an act of privilege. I have no problem with the concept of public school. Everyone deserves a free and appropriate education. But that is not what many publics are providing for many children. If you can’t pull them out like I did (I admit a privileged choice, but we cannot afford private and have no transportation to charters in our area), it ends up being a warehouse where kids who don’t fit the mold bide their time. I truly think reform is going to come from the outside in the form of results and studies from alternative and homeschool that will hopefully trickle in to public. But until then, I couldn’t let my kids be the sacrificial lambs for some of my political principals, no matter how much I want to support neighborhood schools. Their childhood is too short for that.

    • karaswims

      The failure of schools to even minimally work with parents with disabilities is a common one and one that we can’t overlook. We’re exploring it more through my work with the Disabled Parenting Project and we would love you to contribute your story there. Thanks for adding this to the dialogue.

  12. Susan Carollo

    Same for students with disabilities. They need their neighborhood schools and kids without disabilities need to understand and get to know kids with disabilities. Stop segregating students by ability!

    • McP

      I’ve worked with teens with disabilities, many of whom simply don’t belong in a mainstreamed classroom. It would have been a loss for them and their non-disabled peers. Friends recently reluctantly took their 10 year old of a mainstreamed situation and put him in a school for kids with disabilities, and they are thrilled with how well it has worked out. There are times when a well trained teacher and an IEP work well for a student, but it depends on the nature of the disability. Kids interact with each other in multiple settings, not just school.

  13. productcritiqueblog

    I choose to disagree. My/your purpose is not to support your local school but to help your child be the best she can be. If taking away her choices of arts and not enough money in the budget for her class to go on field trips to buy new books with the latest information To put her in a school with lead paint on the walls and asbestos in the ceilings.
    What are you doing for her then?
    I chose to homeschool. Not because we live in a neighborhood with bad schools. Because I live in the country very very rural. beautiful schools. I know of many teachers who are all saying the same thing. We are not in charge of what goes in in the school anymore. The school is told what to teach and how to teach it. They are watching kids get more and more frustrated. The children don’t have time to socialize except at the bus stop. Lunch rooms are kept silent because they only have 20 minutes for lunch and they found the lunches weren’t being finished because the kids were talking.
    They have no recess anymore they don’t have time for it. They do have gym class and some days the kids get to play with the playground equipment.
    With homeschooling, I can go at my own child’s rate so if he gets stuck on something I can stay on it till he has it. If he understands it quickly we can move on ahead right away. I know the age old what about socializing. we have co-ops where we get together and do all kinds of field trips and outdoor play and martial arts classes and museums and historical places all have homeschooling days with classes and special rates. We even have special rates at trampoline parks and roller rinks and at amusement parks and the list goes on
    In these homeschool groups and we get together every week ( the classes consist of every age from preschool to high school and every race and creed) Monday for fun classes Tuesday for music and the arts and martial arts. Wednesday for martial arts, Thursday for field trips (once a month) and martial arts, Friday for trampoline park. We also do studies at home. There are area equestrian classes offered as well as a bunch more co-ops we do not take part in. there are lots more opportunities but there are so many you have to choose what you want and then add in your own academics. My son would be starting 6th grade if he went to public school, he is about to finish the 7th grade.
    Good luck on your journey but remember your local school is not your issue your child is. What you have to ask yourself is, Is this what is best for my child.

  14. Emily

    I am a teacher in a school like your community school. I will say that integration with all my students’ needs can be a challenge. But the teachers at my school are amazing, dedicated, experienced and fun. We have yoga, choir, clubs, maker space, artist residency and a beautiful library. We don’t have worksheets or homework…but the one thing we can always use is more parent involvement! I hope your community school is an equally great one for your little one!

  15. Amy Mannis Bartizal

    I cannot tell you how delighted I am to read this and to have found this organization! I teach 1st grade in a very diverse school just outside of Portland, Oregon. I am fortunate to be in a school where we have amazing community support. Our students are racially, economically, and linguistically diverse. We have a wonderful parent group who value the education of EVERY child, not just their own. Our staff is committed to creating an environment where every child can reach their full potential. I truly believe that thriving, public, neighborhood schools are the cornerstone of a healthy, democratic society. Thank you for sharing your story.

  16. Juliet

    Thank you so much for writing this.

  17. shmbako

    My husband and I made the same choice you have, when we moved to Bakersfield, CA where my husband grew up. We decided to live in a new neighborhood close to his 6th grade school (he’d been bused there because of overcrowding at his neighborhood school.) We could have chosen a gated community in another area, but concluded that we wanted our kids in a “normal” environment, interacting with kids of all colors and abilities. Since I was leaving the workforce at that time (kids were 6 and 3), I was committed to doing whatever was needed to make them successful students in a Title 1 (lower-income) school. I requested specific teachers, volunteered in their classrooms, and went on so many field trips that my daughter asked me not to volunteer for one 6th grade trip because she’d never been on one without me. (I ended up going because the teacher called to say she didn’t have enough chaperones, and my daughter allowed me to go.)

    Long story short, one graduated from UCLA, BS electrical engineering and MS computer science, and the other graduated from UC Berkeley, BS and MS civil engineering. They attended a pretty academically average high school (not the best nor the worst in town), yet excelled at their universities. So I feel we made the right choice. They complained that they were behind classmates from more well-to-do high schools (with more AP classes), but they both finished their BS degrees in four years through a combination of luck and hard work. I don’t think going to “better” schools would have made them any better students. They came out fine without yoga.

  18. Karla

    I am so proud of you choosing to bravely homestead in the yet to be gentrified neighborhood where you could afford a nicer house.

    • magnet mom

      Wow, that’s a pretty big assumption there and, assuming I’m not inventing the sarcasm I hear, pretty rude.

      I live in a neighborhood with a community school that doesn’t have great test scores, has a high percentage of free lunch recipients, majority POC, not much fancy stuff, etc. I’m not homesteading or gentrifying. The way the de facto segregation goes in our city is, on the river side of the major road we are near, you have middle class mostly white people. On the other side, you have a low-income area that is racially more diverse. We’re on the whiter, richer side; it’s a family home built by my grandparents in the 60’s when their business was doing well. We’re lower middle class at the moment with only one income and me in school. It’s just the way the districts are drawn and the way it’s been in our city – people on my side are zoned for the neighborhood school but almost all have historically sent their kids to the nearby Catholic and Episcopal schools or further afield to a prep school.

      We thought some of these thoughts but eventually chose (read: got into via lottery) a magnet, with much higher diversity than local private schools but lower than the neighborhood school. It has a warm, one-big-family feel, the benefits of Montessori education, some of the “bells and whistles” of fancier schools and less focus on test scores and academia than the “academic” magnets in the city. But if we hadn’t, we wouldn’t be “gentrifying” or “homesteading” in my freaking ancestral neighborhood. MAYBE consider that not everything fits into the neat boxes you have in your head about them.

  19. Ann Marie

    Carrie, my parents did this exact thing, back in the early 60’s, with me and my siblings, not quite for the same reasons. They intentionally moved to a lower class, minority urban neighborhood in Chicago, from a lily-white working class suburb. We went to the neighborhood public schools, and we all survived. Not all of us graduated, but that had little to do with the schools. This being said, I have seen this phenomenon emerge here in my now home of Durham NC. My children, who are Latino, attended local public schools that reflected the cities demographics. However, since then, many once minority, poorly-funded and struggling schools have turned almost overnight to mostly white upper middle class demographic when new programs are introduced, such as a Montessori curriculum. I understand that the school board is trying to maintain as much of their white student body as they can, but it is usually at the expense of poorer and more pigmented families. How did we get here? I believe that the war against traditional public schools has been very successful and doubt that the tide of charter schools, voucher programs, home-schooling programs and private schools will stop anytime soon.

  20. G.

    It’s not about your kids, this is just a way for you to brag about how virtuous you are. Your children will suffer but you will be able to claim the moral high ground and feel special.

    • shmbako

      My kids are now both UC graduates, working as engineers. How did they suffer?

      • G

        You didn’t write the article. I have no problem with people sending their kids to whatever school they feel is best. That’s what school choice is all about. I have a problem with people like the author and her transparent bid for praise. She makes it very clear that she comes from a socio-economic class that could afford the fancy schools but that her compassion and virtue is so great that she (her kids) will shed white priveledge and make a public sacrifice by attending the public school. The author cannot make this a personal decision, her virtue must be made public in an article so that she can be praised by all and allow her to shame those who don’t meet her standards. Yuck.

      • magnet mom

        But you didn’t say “your children will suffer because you wrote this article”. You absolutely implied that because of the *school choice*, the children would suffer – but on the other hand, the parents would feel special. Don’t back away from what you obviously meant.

      • Anonymous

        Magnet mom…I’m not backing away. The authors only concern is highlighting what a wonderful person she is. Her kids are just accessories used to amplify her spotlight. This behavior is very typical on social media platforms. The actual “issue” being discussed isn’t really relevant as long as it serves the purpose of signaling to others that the person posting gets the positive attention they crave. You see it a lot with conservatives and their excessive flag waving and patriotism. Kids suffer when parents use them as show-ponies.. I don’t care where someone sends their kids but she posted her decision on a public forum so I am commenting.

      • shmbako

        We could have afforded a home in the gated-community with schools that score higher in standardized testing. We chose instead to attend schools that get Title 1 funding and whose students are greater than 50% people of color (how do I know that? Because I was on a parent/staff committee to redraw school boundaries when a new elementary was built, and it was impossible to adhere to the ethnicity guidelines put in place decades earlier.)

        Why? Because we didn’t want to live in a gated community; an “us” vs. “them” community. Not to get attaboys on social media, which didn’t exist in 1995 (the internet barely existed in 1995.) Perhaps my kids made it into competitive colleges because we made that choice, not in spite of it. Perhaps the author is encouraging others to make the same choice, so that more people choosing not to take white-flight might provide needed balance in public schools. In any case, I do not feel choosing a neighborhood school causes children to suffer. If going to a neighborhood school is such a hardship, what of the kids who truly have no other choice? Are they all suffering?

  21. R

    “I sent my child to a garbage school so I could feel like a better person.”

    I have worked in schools in poor neighborhoods and wealthy neighborhoods and the primary difference between them is the amount of care and attention an individual child can expect to receive- ESPECIALLY if that child has a disability. Poorer schools simply are not equipped to spend the time a child with disabilities needs to be successful.

    That said, the best choice of school is no school at all. You are essentially handing over your responsibility as a parent to raise and educate your child to someone else.

    • audhilly

      The best choice is personal and specific to individual circumstances. There are great schools and teachers that help kids find their passions and develop their skills. There are schools that warehouse or are test prep factories. There are parents who can provide an enriched, nuanced learning environment and parents who damage or neglect their children. In any case, no school is the only place of learning and no parent is their child’s only teacher.

  22. Anonymous

    Beautifully sai

  23. audhilly

    I love this. I work in such a school and am very grateful for parents who realize that we ourselves, in our communities, in concert with our neighbors, are the solution.

    As a teacher who rejects weaponized testing as a a means for school improvement, and who has seen first hand what a costly corruption of school culture and assessment they are, I must point out that, as a parent, you may always opt your child out of them. It is your right and you do not need to be privileged or white to become informed about what’s wrong with them, what’s better and whether or not you wish to participate.

    Obviously, I believe that a well educated parent will usually decide that opting out is the single best way to put pressure on the state to reform this toxic policy. Happily, if after all your research you decide you do want to support annual standardized testing, that is also your right and you will find your child supported for either decision.

    Anyway, bravo 👏 I hope your example influences some hearts and minds. Joining you from my position in that great work.

  24. Layla

    I taught three of Carrie’s children. I worked overseas and US in private, US inner city schools and a mix. I have three college degrees from two top US and one overseas universities. Just after my Harvard degree I was offered a job as a reading specialist in one of the exclusive suburbs before deciding to stay at one of the inner city school. My own children attended a mix of private overseas, private in US and public. All these schools had different things to offer and can’t be compared. My teaching experiences in public schools in my town and in the inner city were highly rewarding. Teachers worked together on many levels to make every child learn, grow and feel happy. We fund raised along with our amazing parents for a music program, to build a beautiful school yard and give teachers funds for field trips or other needs. I worked closely with parents of all backgrounds and racial mixtures. School teaching is a team effort that involves children, educators, administrators, parents and community. I grew up overseas with parents who were highly demanding so I was sent to private schoos till 5th grade. I wanted to go to the public schools as I realized that I was missing out on social contacts with 80ء% of the population. I loved my lower school where I learned three languages, music and theatre. Those years were precious to my young self, but do not compare to the experiences, types of rebel adult teacher thinkers, discussions of readings that private schools rarely provide. After years as a reading specialist,
    I stayed and taught Kindergarten for 11 years (I taught K-1 for five other years in other schools) at my last school, where our teams achieved National Certification for the Education of the Young Child after three years of hard study, research and portfolio preparation. I helped develop the K2 Integrated interdisciplinary curriculum with other researchers/ educators for our 100 K2 classes. It has gone national with other states coming to observe our classrooms and borrow. I worked long hours on my class, leadership teams, volunteered in school projects and tutored at times. It was not smooth sailing. Not all teachers were perfect or striving to be, but there was enough of us to make a change. Not all leaders were keen on my ideas. Looking at the parking lot at night told you 25% of us stayed late every night with different people working extra hours every night. I could call upstairs for others to let me in (later we got automatic doors with card keys) if I left to get food or take a walk. We all spent money out of our pocket to give our classrooms the resources they lacked as budgets shrank. Not that we got much usually.
    teaching reading in the poorest part of town where mostly women struggled to keep families going, was very dear to my heart. This way of life is a result of the prison industrial complex growing out of our faulty judicial system where blacks get imprisoned convicted more harshly than whites. Most prisoners were illiterate or funcIonally literate. Teaching the young 10-14 year olds to read and love books opened doors for many and brought joy to their young minds. Learning to think and question gave me hope in their future.
    I retired a year ago. I go to part of inner city where my black students live and occasionally a young man or woman will stop and tell me I helped them learn to read or solve an issue or let them borrow things they needed. They tell me what they are doing. I love to shop or eat where more Latino, Black or White families live near my favorite school. I bump into children and parents and both experiences remind me of why I chose to work at this school or others in this special city. I would have worked for free if the city ran out of money. The children and our school community was a big enough reward. My own children felt their public school experienceswere richer and they still treasure friendships with children they played sports with, built a project or celebrated with.

  25. Layla

    Is there an edit. I did this on my phone and have a couple of spellings that I did not see due to size. Functionally (sp) and experiences were (two words) were not correct.

  26. Layla

    Is there an edit. I did this on my phone and have a couple of spellings that I did not see due to size. Functionally (sp) and experiences were (two words) were not correct.

  27. Janet Able

    Either there is no structural inequality in education so there is no reason to worry about it, or your kids are getting a worse education. Which is it?

  28. Lenore

    What you’re saying sounds wonderful and I agreed with these sentiments a year ago when we sent our child to public Kindergarten. The school had nice grounds, a garden, and a strong library that the parents built. And the parents there were very nice. However, it was a complete nightmare. Bullying abounded (one kid in particular was very mean to the children) and my son’s teacher was volatile, and not interested in stopping the bullying, or trying to create a communal atmosphere in general — she was only interested in her curriculum. She called the bullying offenders terrors, and basically yelled my son when he failed to respond to her calling his name. She yelled at me when he refused to do yoga. This was the first week of school. I hope I never have this experience ever again. We switched my son to a good charter school after two months of this absolute nightmare, and he’s thriving. So, all you say sounds so great, but wish it were true. For many it is not — public schools can be awful.

    • audhilly

      I’m glad you found a good school. But any type of school, whether private, public or charter has the potential to have good and bad policies, teachers or administrators. That Success Academy charter teacher who was caught on tape shaming and punishing 8 year old children who didn’t know answers is an example, and big name charters dumping half their incoming by graduation in order to publicize 100% college acceptance is another. Private school pedophiles recently in the news and private and charter schools that teach that dinosaurs roamed the world with man… ! There are so many different ways a school can go wrong regardless of what kind of school it is.

      • Lenore

        Of course. We were in a private preschool we had mixed feelings about. And yes there are wonderful public schools. And some charters are run by money-grubbing scumbags. However, that’s not my issue. There’s a recent trend of relatively privileged people writing articles about going to their local school with low test scores and how wonderful the diversity is and even though their children aren’t getting the best programs they’re still learning wonderful lessons about values, etc. Can’t we shift the argument to improving schools, rather than pretty much bragging about being forerunners in gentrification? I put my child through a bit of trauma (he’s fine, but I did not want him to have this experience in kindergarten) with this sort of thinking. Seeing your child hiding under a water cooler from a volatile teacher overrides any “political” thinking. There are many ways to teach your children good values — and not to be racist — it really begins at home.

      • cemykytyn

        Lenore… I hear you about “shift[ing] the argument to improving schools” but honestly, we’ve been trying this. And the winners in this game tend overwhelmingly to be privilege-segregated schools. Wealthier, whiter schools. We can’t pretend that the issue of race/class don’t matter. And as to the spate of “relatively privileged people writing articles about going to their local school with low test scores etc.”… Well, I think it’s actually important to have these articles! I think that if we are going to build a strong democracy that values all children, then we need to opt in, to build together. And one of the ways that we do this is to share stories and uplift the conversation.

  29. another Layla

    I want to speak to this not as a parent, but as a product of public schools. I have a Master’s and am in law school; many high school acquaintances are engineers, developers, educators, architects, yoga instructors, doctors and vets… you name it. If you take nothing else away from my comment, at least take the notion that underprivileged ir underfunded schools do not limit students’ potential.

    I grew up in a racially-mixed city neighborhood and without affluence. (My family is white.) I and my siblings attended our local elementary school, which did offer language study, drama club, visual and industrial arts, outdoor recreation and gardening, but which had a very low budget. My mother packed us pb&j sandwiches in brown paper bags. We walked to school and hung out on the attached playground. We thought our experience was normal; we were kids!

    Come middle and high school, we remained in city/public schools, but had options built in to the system. We could apply to city schools other than our closest neighborhood school based on interest in the magnet programs and our own academic standing. Is that privilege? I opted to apply to programs in science and tech and so high school for me was across the city, in the “ghetto”, but at an amazing school.

    As my social circles expanded with access to the internet (dial-up was becoming a thing) and local hangouts, I started seeing how abnormal everyone thought my experience was. I met people who would look at me in shock when I told them where I went to school. My suburban friends looked at me like I had three heads, and some jokingly asked how I was alive. The school was in an area where stores had bars on their windows, after all.

    I saw and experienced racism every day whether against my friends or jokingly against me when I took city buses or walked the main street near school (“hey, white girl!”), and I would argue that I got a much more vivid understanding of what those black and Hispanic friends were and would be experiencing – even knowing I’d never personally experience it – than people who attended private or suburban schools and never witnessed it.

    And even now many years later, after grad school, in law school, I find myself defending my K-12 education. My husband, being a suburban kid who I met later in life, is sometimes in awe of how different life was for us; he had maybe 10% POC in his graduating class. His school had an orchestra; mine had band. His friends never thought about money or hunger; mine did. But despite my going to city schools, despite my lack of upper-class benefits, we both gained so much from our schools. (I actually had better access to classes in programming and engineering, too!)

    I feel that my background being rooted in diversity and greater exposure to the “real world”, while still having access to city-funded specialized magnet programs, is just as beneficial as having a string quartet for students and keeping them sheltered. Can anyone argue differently?

    As for me and my husband: we bought a house near my old elementary school, and if we have kids, that’s where they will go. We will encourage and foster our kids’ interests while supporting our local community and school system.

    • cemykytyn

      thank you for sharing this Another Layla 🙂

  30. Anonymous

    I appreciate your article but I also must say I disagree on some points. We have chosen to send our child to a religious school in our neighborhood. It has a very diverse population as well and reinforces our religious beliefs. The CCD program is not as strong in our area and this is important to our family. Just as preserving your native language can be, so is educating your child in their religious faith. I feel it is ignorant to say if you don’t send your child to the public school, you are ultimately raising a racist. This school is more diverse than our public elementary school.
    We have public elementary schools teaching in both Spanish and English which many families choose. Would you call a Spanish family racist for sending their child there? I think not. We need to be respectful of all families and their choices for their children. We do not know all the reasons for their choices, but we also can not assume they are due to prejeduices when they choose other than public education. To live in peace, we must support each other rather than minimize another’s choice when it isn’t one we agree with.

  31. Beth Swedeen

    Thanks for an important message and even more critical life choice. Both my daughters went to public schools that were majority (70-80%) low-income, non-white until high school. Their public high school of 2,000 included students who spoke more than 60 languages; about half the high school students came from low income families as defined by free and reduced lunch. One of my daughters was accepted into USC’s film production program (fewer than 60 students accepted per year) and now works (happily) in the TV industry in L.A. My other daughter has a significant developmental disability. With the support of outstanding public schools, she has defied the odds to work in the community, participate and contribute, and within the past year moved to her own apartment (with some supports but less than her mother ever anticipated!) Two observations as a parent who was “steered” into more affluent neighborhoods when first moving to Madison, WI, in order to get into the ‘better” public schools. I was appalled, and then worked with realtors, families, school leadership and private business to better publicize the assets of high-quality urban education. I feel strongly still that: 1. Educating predominantly low-income children is not the definition of a bad school. Both my kids had some absolutely amazing, innovative, resourceful teachers who were honored and felt better-challenged by being urban educators. They were more creative, more persistent, and took more time than many other teachers because they knew how critical their role was in supporting kids with complex challenges. As another commenter observed, low school test scores are an aggregate: my older daughter’s standardized scores were just fine. When teachers saw she might need more challenge, they gave her extra books, assignments, and ideas for projects she could do during study and down time. They challenged her to self-start because they knew she could. That gave them more time to work with kids like my younger daughter, who genuinely needed more adult support to experience success. Second observation: All kids deserve the best. There’s been talk on this thread of schools that just offer the basics to low-income kids, but they are solid basics. If my kids deserved after-school groups, specialized academic enrichment and field trips, ALL kids deserve those things. I was very disappointed when I found out my older daughter’s middle school wasn’t participating in Battle of the Books: a team-based competition based on reading and answering questions from high-quality young adult fiction. The librarian said she didn’t want lower-achieving kids to feel bad. I told the librarian my daughter with significant disabilities (who did not even begin to read at grade level) participated in elementary school (getting the books on tape and prepping orally with her team) and she LOVED it: she wasn’t embarrassed; she was empowered and felt included. That’s why it’ s not just important that more equipped families participate in public education; they also need to advocate for BETTER public education for all kids. I could have taken both my kids on the field trips and cultural outings our great public schools provided. It was the lower-income students who wouldn’t get those experiences any other way. I’m convinced that my older daughter got into USC’s film program not because of her AP classes (she only took 2 and didn’t score highly in either); her GPA (good but not great); or her ACT (high but not perfect). It was being part of Multi-Co, a multi-cultural high school theater group that developed and performed their own one-acts about their diverse personal experiences. It was about her college essays talking about what it was like to go to school with kids with many additional challenges, and watching her sister navigate systems that are so much harder for her than for her the average student. It was being able to write, direct and film her own one-act in her advanced theater class. It was filming and showing segments for the schools’ freshman class on diversity and inclusion. Her public high school was able to provide the bells and whistles, and it wasn’t just her benefitting: it was ALL kids who had an interest. My kids’ high school has one of the best arts programs in the state: and both my kids took multiple course offerings and participated in their extra-curriculars, as did many of their peers from all income and cultural backgrounds. Those of us who invest our families’ lives in public education need to be setting the bar high not just for our kids but for all kids. That’s why the research shows that inclusive, diverse education is most effective: not because the high-achieving kids “bring up” other students, but because families who have the resources to invest heavily in their kids’ education are working to raise the bar high for all kids in that school.

  32. Shannon

    I just love your perspective. I wrote this – http://www.jaxmomsblog.com/school-years/love-public-school/ – several years ago and while it’s different from your article, I couldn’t agree more. Our local public school is a conscious choice for our family. I’m sick of people saying “oh, did you know you can send them to xyz?” Yeah, I do. I’m smart enough to know how to beat the “lottery” and have the resources to pay for them to go to private, but for us, there is so much value in the school that’s just down the road from us.

    • cemykytyn

      Shannon! Love love love your piece. Thanks so much for sharing 🙂

    • VisionMaker

      I love your post, too! My husband and I say the same thing – STEP INSIDE THE SCHOOL AND SPEND SOME TIME THERE!

  33. Norman Bossert

    I retired as principal of a school in Western North Carolina on June 30th. I served as that school’s principal for 11 years. However, my career spanned 44 years. During my time as principal, I watched the state legislature increase support for charter schools and develop a 144 million dollar voucher program. Our resources shriveled over those years. My school was forced to part ways with with many valuable positions.

    Always, though, our teachers dug deeper into their hearts and pocket books to replace what the politicians were taking. They worked with dignity and professionalism under difficult circumstances. I am proud to have been a small piece of the success of that school … but the lion’s share of the school’s success rests on the shoulders of the teachers and staff (from the secretaries to the bus drivers, from the custodian to the media staff … everyone made a difference.

    We weren’t perfect. Our test scores did not always reflect the effort we put into our days, nights, and weekends. But for many of our children … we were family. As such, our goals were much higher than test scores. Our goals were to make each child feel safe, welcome, and wanted. That is not always an easy task for any school.

    I have nothing against charters and private schools (nor home schooling, for that matter) but I know that our public schools are hotbeds of innovation. They have had to be. The demands on them continue to grow as the accountability of other entities diminishes. I loved all 44 years of my career, and as the first days of school unfold, I envy my former colleagues who are greeting their new children in these first weeks of school.

  34. CDN

    Where you send your child to school, assuming you are priviledged enough to have a choice, is going to be based on what is priority for you as a family. As per this particular choice made by the author, the fact that she herself is educated and can supplement for lackings in her local school are a big factor. I know immigrants here, parents who barely speak English, who cannot help with their child’s homework, who try to choose the best school system. Their oldest daughter graduated from Carnegie Mellon in Computer Engineering. Had she been in a lesser academically challenging and supportive school system, that may well not have been the case. The author sounds as if she is trying to open a different set of doors for her children. One that educates her child to get along with ‘the real world’. You have to do what is best in your own eyes for your children in your situation. That being said, there is also a big drive to privatize public education by not giving enough support to public schools, simply to line some pockets. I’d rather that money go into paying teachers well for good work done and giving everyone (not selective charters) a boost-up. A country’s education system is as strong as it’s weakest link.

    • cemykytyn

      agreed! CDN., enrolling kids in integrating schools is different if you come from privilege. for sure. and, i am channeling Nikole Hannah-Jones here to say that it isn’t on families of color to solve the problem of segregation….. It’s ” white people’s job to fix segregation”

  35. Bigdatty

    I send my three kids to our catchment public school. More advantages: 1. With the money I am saving, I can pay cash for a substantial electric car, send my kids to piano, dance, gymnastics…you get the picture. 2. I donate cold, hard cash to the school to enhance their library resources, assist with field trips, and fill in classroom supplies. 3. I even sent my kids to a swanky 1% summer program just to expose them to the bubble. 4. Having worked in a number of private schools myself, I know that most private and charter schools do NOT hold their teachers to established standards of training and certification. Guess what? I still have way more money leftover each year than my neighbors.

  36. parent

    I am so grateful to have found this website – not sure how I stumbled across it.
    I have had multiple children in public schools in a large (>100,000) district for the past 8 years, and 14 years cumulatively. So much of what you write is exactly how I felt, and still in many ways feel. However, I think the reasons people don’t send their kids to public schools are more complex. I do think there are parents who end up pulling their kids from public school because of health and well-being issues. It is not that these issues couldn’t arise in a private school – of course they can, and do. At some point your principles may be at odds with what your child needs, and then it is a very difficult decision, and one that only comes with privilege. When I talk about what my kids need, I don’t mean yoga, or organic lunches.
    We both work, so homeschooling is not an option. We have spent hundreds of hours volunteering and advocating within our public school system over the past 3 years. On some very important issues, our efforts have had little to no effect, and we’ve started to see long-term consequences for our children, and sometimes the children of friends and acquaintances.
    One of our children will not be going back to public school this fall. This has less to do with the needs of this particular child, and more to do with the fact of how many experimental programs have rolled out for that particular birth year of students. Our district is very centrally controlled in recent years – individual school budgets have been halved in order to support a very expensive ed tech initiative, that puts 1:1 devices in the hands of first graders on up. We’ve finished year 3 of this initiative. Class sizes have increased (despite what the official mantra of the administration is), and very young children spend a significant portion of their school day working in isolation, on a device, with an increasingly gamified and video-based curriculum, and personalized learning software, and taking tests in developmentally inappropriate ways. 6 year olds routinely spend recess playing video games, even when it is not pouring. Over the past few years, I spoke to everyone I could in the district from individual teachers to the Board of Education, asking them to turn off the non-educational video game rewards for completing a level in one “educational” software program. The video game rewards included firing guns at asteroids, and collecting diamonds in a jungle. I provided scientific data about gamification, rationale about how children learn, concerns about the implicit values in the video games, to no avail. There are real health effects to excessive technology use in children. I am not totally opposed to technology in education, but it must be thoughtful. I believe that over time, children in schools with less resources are actually going to get more exposure to educational technology that purports to teach, raise test scores, and deliver a “personalized” learning experience – because the big business and reformers behind the ed tech push believe it will achieve better outcomes at less cost than hiring more highly qualified teachers and providing smaller class sizes and more behavioral, educational, and social supports for students. In fact, equity is one of the most commonly used marketing pitches of ed tech companies funded by Wall Street and venture capitalists. I wonder if this group can help advocate for thoughtful use of technology in public schools.
    A friend pulled his child from our public middle school for relentless bullying and disruptive behavior that was not addressed by the school or central administration. Of course, this can happen in private schools as well. Parents would probably choose to leave such a private school as well after concerted efforts to address things. I am well aware that it is a privilege to move your child, regardless of where they are to start with.
    Avoiding assumptions or generalizations about why some parents pull their kids from neighborhood schools would perhaps help us do a better job for all children. It may be because of very real consequences that have accumulated over years for your child. Those issues may be exactly what we should be addressing with advocacy.
    I will continue to advocate and volunteer in our public schools, not only because I will still have multiple children attending, but because I believe public schools matter, and because our communities, students, families, and teachers are wonderful, and caring. You said all of this so much more eloquently than me – I won’t try to repeat it. But, I think understanding the reasons why people who have been very committed to public schools leave will be a very important part of advocacy going forward. We are clearly just one story – others have been mentioned above.

    • cemykytyn

      Hey parent… On behalf of my own public school kids, thank you for your lobbying efforts! While it didn’t seem to make enough change for your child, hopefully yours will be part of a larger, louder chorus! If you’re interested in writing a kind of Op-Ed on the “thoughtful use of technology in public schools” and how that relates to segregation/equity, we’d love to post it!

  37. Dorit Dowler-Guerrero

    my daughter, now in 12th grade, went to our local LAUSD public schools. the elementary school was considered horrible by all the local “in the know” moms- meaning the middle class, mostly white, moms. When people found out I, a very fair skinned mom was sending my daughter to “that school” I got so many negative comments. One example- I was in a local cafe with my daughter then in 2nd grade. another mom, with a preschooler, and I started talking as our kids went to write/scribble on a chalk board in the cafe. My daughter was teaching the preschooler times tables and very basic algebra (solve for X type of stuff). the mom assumed my daughter went to the ” good” local school. I said no, that she went to the “bad” school. the mom, in shock, said: “That school is full of Mexicans running around with knives”.

    • cemykytyn

      It’s hard to even read that, Dorit. Vile. Congrats on senior year!!!

  38. Mary

    We sent our kids to magnet schools in elementary school. In Raleigh that meant great schools in “not so great” neighborhoods (Read “poor and black”). Some of our kids are adults now and the others are well on their way. Although they eventually ended up in schools where they were no longer the (white) minority, they have always been the ones to have a multi-ethnic, multi SES, multi sexual orientation group of friends. We’ve had kids in magnet schools, the local public school, charter schools, and Catholic schools. I’m grateful that they all started out in the public magnet schools and carried what they learned with them on into their lives.

  39. Anonymous

    Thank you for saying everything I feel & love about our neighborhood middle & high schools that both my son and daughter attend.

    I have always been very involved as a parent volunteer in both of their schools and now see them showing their own pride in their schools as both are active in their schools as tour guides and both are very verbal about the quality of the education they are getting.

  40. Laura Hite

    Thank you for this!! As a new mom in Los Angeles this has been on my mind a lot. I loved my public school experience (low income but I didn’t notice) and hope my son will too. Best of luck to your family and community this school year!

  41. Erin McGrath

    Public schools work when all members of “the public ” attend them. As a white, middle class teacher with an advanced degree, I know that my children will do well in any school setting. It is my responsibility and my pleasure to send my sons to our neighborhood school. If I decide to take my children out of the public schools, that’s when we get into trouble.

  42. Karyl Severso

    This is such an important article. I want to copy it and send it to all my young cousins who have children.

  43. Jane

    Yes to all of this! I’m in Chicago, and our family gets exactly these questions all the time. My son is starting kindergarten next week at our local public elementary school that’s continuously plagued by low budgets that are cut even further every year. Six years ago, the school was going to be closed because of low enrollment, but parents formed a strong group and advocated for the school. Still, many families in the neighborhood choose private (usually parochial) schools. But it’s OUR neighborhood. I firmly believe that even without the resources private schools get, any school can be a good school when parents and teachers work together.

  44. Hoozey

    As a mom of three grown kids (19-24) that went to multiple public schools because of moving for husband’s career (I too am a stay at home mom) rest assured that you are doing JUST fine. When we moved to a new state I didn’t research school district because I know that my kids’ love of learning has little to do with what school they attended as much as instilling passion in them– passion is not LOVE- passion means willing to SUFFER for something. If your kids are passionate about something- be it meditation, music, art, etc they will find a way to do that and it will be all the more meaningful. This really struck a chord with me as we recently moved yet again, only this time without the kids (two are still attending university in the last state – full tuition scholarships no less, oldest already got a masters degree in 5 years of college -fully paid for by scholarships also) and recently met “welcome committee member” from HOA. She met us and was immediately telling us how we should pay extra for “the good pool” with “another kind of people” there than the HOA “free ones.” When talk turned to kids/school she told us how we were “lucky” since they have to pay for private school because the public school is “bad” and only the people that “don’t care about education” send their kids to the public schools. I finally researched the school district- it gets a “B” grade- how is that “bad?” Made me realize how grateful I am that I always sent my kids to public schools because I’d much rather they be around those peers than this woman’s kids. My kids have very diverse friends and I think they are better for that life experience. The reality is, anyone that is passionate will get ahead no matter what school they attend because real life seems to really be about knowing how to work, struggle and suffer for things that are worth it. May your daughter have a fantastic career in public schools. My kids were all top in their public school classes, athletes, and two of them are amazing musicians all by their own doing because passion can only come from within.

    • cemykytyn

      THIS: “passion means willing to SUFFER for something”! love. Pool lady, not so much.

  45. Claudia Vizcarra

    Boy, it’s hard to get through all these comments. This post surely has generated a lot of feelings.

    I’ll start with this – it’s dangerous to get in between a parent and the choices she/he makes for her children. Especially in education. (Please notice my suggestion that this could apply to other choices, but our choice in schooling seems to get us to the core in us).

    ILOVECAKE, I’m going to start that you’ve written a piece that spells out a point of view that is rarely presented – the notion that choosing your neighborhood school – and not the ‘best’ school can be a good choice. I believe you were courageous to speak up, you wrote a piece that should make us all reflect. I appreciate you for doing this.

    That said, I can also see why some people are reacting the way they are. A neighborhood school is a relative term, depending on the cost of housing, neighborhood services, and the natural and cultural resources that surround the school that can enhance learning. A neighborhood where most parents are working is very different than a neighborhood with high unemployment.

    I think the way out of these uncomfortable conversations and into a more thoughtful discussion is part of the important work we need to do, of acknowledging our privilege. Having a choice is part of having privilege.

    That does not mean that we don’t support public schools, and most especially the institution of public education. It means we are careful when talking about bad schools as such, which is what I feel you are encouraging us to think about. That instead of looking harshly at a school because the students that go there are facing challenges, we instead walk inside the schools and look for the courage and the love and integrity that is in those schools. And we figure out how best to support our public schools. If we can’t get ourselves to sending our kids there, then what are we doing to speak up for the school, instead of speaking ill of it. It’s an internal conversation, that each of us need to have.

    And the external conversation we need to have is about how issues such as housing prices, access to health care, to jobs, is making it hard for students to learn.

  46. leahanne33

    I appreciate this article very much and I feel compelled to share my experience because I don’t think it is represented here yet.

    I attended K-12 public school in a virtually all-white suburb in Ohio. I had teachers who mostly didn’t care and I suffered through hours of worksheets, drills, textbooks, and tests. I was gifted, loved to learn, and wanted to love school, but it was a soul-crushing experience for me. In no way did my experience in public school meet my educational needs.

    However, I spent many evenings and weekends at my dad’s restaurant, where I got to experience the diversity of the real world in all of its gritty glory. I went on to attend a diverse university for undergraduate and graduate school and became a social justice-oriented public school teacher.

    I’m sharing this to challenge the assumption that sending your kids to a diverse school is THE ONLY WAY to expose them to the real world and help them appreciate the richness and value of diversity.

    I am now struggling with making decisions about my four-year-old daughter’s education. Having taught in the public schools here in North Carolina, I am appalled by how behind-the-times our state’s educational system is compared to the rest of the country. I see just more of what I grew up with here, an educational system that doesn’t meet the needs of its learners.

    So what to do? I certainly want my daughter to share my beliefs that diversity is an asset and that everyone brings something valuable to the table. Yet I will not condemn her to my same sub-par K-12 educational experience. I hated going to school and suffered anxiety from third grade onward. As an educator, I now know why – I wasn’t being given the opportunity to actually learn as kids are biologically programmed to learn – through exploration, investigation, and experiential learning.

    I will never judge anyone else’s choices for their child’s education. But I do challenge the assumption that a school is good because it is diverse. If kids aren’t t being given the opportunity to learn in developmentally appropriate ways, it is not a good school. There are best practices in education, none of which I experienced as a student. I won’t subject my daughter to the same.

    • Layla

      My yongest went to a Quaker school from to K2-4/5, as I was doing a Phd and they provided before and after care when I needed it. She was not well taught and her 1st/2nd grade teacher was abusive. I took her to Harvard lab after school for reading. I liked the parents & community, so we stayed. I gave her what she missed plus. The next couole of years were ok but nothing special. Beginning of 5th an incident happened that the teacher and principal refused to address. My young daughter told me she no longer felt safe there. We went to our neighborhood school. It was not perfect but the transparency and open communication helped her. She was a self learner and did well. She said it was 100 times better. Years later she told me that move restored her belief in schools. Wow! My youngest went to a great public middle till 9th, private when we traveled and on to Smith. She has a Phd and is a Post Doc at a great University. She wants to be like her mom and teach at a public school ( for her Public Univ)!

      It takes many things for success or failure. Being happy and safe are important parts of schooling. You have to pay attention to what your child needs. Public schools belong to us the public not to corporations gouging our schools and making profit ( Read the Princeton report on Charter Schools). Charters have mixed results and giving up control of the one place democracy exists, will leave America segmented. I am an immigrant who believes Education needs support not starvation. Give the schools the resources. I taught both K2 and Reading. I never had the para I needed except in pockets, children who needed speech/Language waited six months at least. Children with needs did not get services on average till 2 years after I referred them. Children with real emotional/behavioral issues had to go on a wait list to get support). Do not ask about supplies! Zilch. Our schools were stsrved except what we teachers and our school parents fund raised for.

      A great school is a place where we all parents, teachers, administrators, political appointees, the mayor and community work together. Children are too precious for the Duncans and Devos to mess up their schools with excessive testing, charters, vouchers and selling to Software companies to make a buck of.

      I always asked parents in my classes to meet in grouos and individually to discuss what they want and how they view my class. My inner city school had issues but we all worked on solving many. Did all kids stay? No. We lost a kid every year. Not all schools are perfect for all. We need to work together and have a conversation that Thomas Mann and his community would.

    • Layla

      My yongest went to a Quaker school from to K2-4/5, as I was doing a Phd and they provided before and after care when I needed it. She was not well taught and her 1st/2nd grade teachier was abusive. I took her to Harvard lab after school for reading. I liked the parents & community, so we stayed. I gave her what she missed plus. The next couple of years were ok but nothing special. Beginning of 5th an incident happened that the teacher and principal refused to address. My young daughter told me she no longer felt safe there. We went to our neighborhood school. It was not perfect but the transparency and open communication helped her. She was a self learner and did well. She said it was 100 times better. Years later she told me that move restored her belief in schools. Wow! My youngest went to a great public middle school till 9th, private when we traveled and on to Smith. She has a Phd and is a Post Doc at a great University. She wants to be like her mom and teach at a public school ( for her Public Univ)!

      It takes many things for success or failure. Being happy and safe are important parts of schooling. You have to pay attention to what your child needs. Public schools belong to us the public not to corporations gouging our schools and making profit ( Read the Princeton report on Charter Schools). Charters have mixed results and giving up control of the one place democracy exists, will leave America segmented. I am an immigrant who believes Education needs support not starvation. Give the schools the resources. I taught both K2 and Reading. I never had the para I needed except in pockets, children who needed speech/Language waited six months at least. Children with needs did not get services on average till 2 years after I referred them. Children with real emotional/behavioral issues had to go on a wait list to get support. Do not ask about supplies! Zilch. Our schools were starved except what we teachers and our school parents fund raised for.

      A great school is a place where we all parents, teachers, administrators, political appointees, the mayor and community work on together. Children are too precious for the Duncans and Devos to mess up their schools with excessive testing, charters, vouchers and selling to Software companies to make a buck of.

      I always asked parents in my classes to meet in grouos and individually to discuss what they want and how they view my class. My inner city school had issues but we all worked on solving many. Did all kids stay? No. We lost a kid every year. Not all schools are perfect for all. We need to work together and have a conversation that Thomas Mann and his community would.

  47. Anonymous

    The problem with this ongoing debate is that folks like to make broad generalizations that simply don’t apply to every school and every child. If your public school works for you and most importantly, your child, send them there and save the money. If it doesn’t work for your child and you can afford tuition to a school that fits their needs, then send them there. The problem I have are the judgmental attitudes of those that send their kids to public schools towards private school parents. I guarantee you my child is very open minded, compassionate, kind and one of the most inclusive people I know. Folks – you don’t have a monopoly on kindness. That being said, I know it works both ways. People can be judgmental on both sides. At the end of the day, embrace what works for your child, stop judging and stop trying to justifying your decision – public or private school. If you have a respectful, well-rounded, happy child that embraces others of all races and accepts others who are different, that’s really all that matters.

    • cemykytyn

      I don’t want to speak for this author… but as a parent who has made similar choices, I felt intense pressure from parents who said that what I was doing was terrible. Like, I wasn’t really looking out for my kid, living up to my responsibility as a parent. And furthermore, the fact that white/privileged folks in our diverse neighborhood made assumptions about the schools serving majority-minority kids without even bothering to take a tour was distressing to me. I mean… you’re not too good for the housing prices but not even willing to look into [not even attend — just look into!] the schools that your neighbors send their children?? Sure, parents make decisions for all kinds of reasons but often, with the issue of schools, they can be based in assumption (and internet data which is only a small part of a school’s ‘story’). So as I read this article, I read a pushback on the way that choosing a school happens within this “good/bad” school narrative.

  48. VisionMaker

    I wish I had written this. But I am not sure I yet have the courage to speak out amongst most of my peers who have sent their children to private schools. When our kids were in their last preschool year, so many visited the public schools alongside me – I was truly heartbroken when all except for one family opted for private schools. Thank you for speaking these truths. This is the very reason why my husband and I opted for our local public elementary school in Providence, RI (95% poverty, majority-minority, 43% ELL population).

  49. Radvad

    I was a child who was sent to a school like this. I was harassed by gang members who threatened to jump me every day. It was frightening. This is reason number one why I would never send my child to school that has gangs.

    Also I was one of the smartest kids in the class but that just meant I had to teach other people rather than to receive any personal instruction to benefit myself or to push me further . I was kind of a teachers assistant At age 8 .

    High test scores mean that your child Will compete with students on a higher level. That may or may not be something you want. For many parents it is something they want. They want their child to compete on a high-level so they end up in advanced classes in middle school and high school so they can get into a good college which is more competitive than ever

    It’s a personal choice , I hope it works out well for you , please do not judge people who decide to not follow your lead

    It’s not about racism

    A Child is not a social experiment

    • Anonymous

      Poor and diverse does not equal gangs.

      • Radvad

        Ok in Los Angeles, name a poor neighborhood that does not have gangs

    • cemykytyn

      my son is the only white kid in his grade in high school. the school is like 95% poverty (in LAUSD). we’ve never had any gang issues at all!

      • Radvad

        That’s awesome for you but it is a big problem for many communities

    • SM

      Where did the article refer to gangs?

      • Radvad

        It didn’t that’s why I brought it up. The article does not address all of the issues that affect our decisions about choosing the best school for our children

  50. ABX

    Probably not adding anything here but I think there’s a big difference between elementary school and middle/high school in this area. My kids have all gone to racially diverse, neighborhood schools for elementary – great experience. When it came time for middle school, the neighborhood school, very diverse, high percentage of low income students, didn’t offer the same classes as the schools on the other side of town. Our choice was to watch our kids become haters of school because they sat in class, bored to tears with no options for advanced classes, or transfer to the whiter, more privileged schools and be academically challenged and regain their love of learning. Didn’t matter how great the teachers were, it didn’t work for our kids. It’s unfortunate that all schools don’t have the same curriculum but at some point, I’m not as saintly as the author, and am not willing to sacrifice my child for the ‘betterment’ of the neighborhood school. We asked about whether the neighborhood schools could offer the same classes and were told that nobody would take them, they tried. I don’t know how to change that. I wasn’t trying to exude my privilege or turn my kids into privileged racists as the author suggests, I just want what is best for their educational experience. I acknowledge the persistent problems with the segregation of schools like this and have experienced them firsthand but apparently, I’m now just contributing to the problem by doing what’s best for my kids – I thought I was just parenting.

    • Radvad

      Thank you for sharing this, it’s important not to judge others when we make decisions that we feel will help our children’s future

  51. Ex-Pov

    The tone of this comes off as very “holier than thou”. This piece would have been much more interesting and relatable if she had voiced her fears, her doubts, and insecurities rather than trumpeting “Look how good I am!”

    And then there are the assumptions:
    – that you CAN attend to your local public school. (San Francisco Public Schools has a lottery system. There is a lengthy application process, multiple rounds of waitlisting. You could get into your neighborhood school, or get assigned to one 45 minutes away. And you might not find out until September.)

    – that racial diversity is necessary and possible. (It’s great… if there is diversity where you live. If you grew up in a 90% white neighborhood, then guess what? Your local school will also likely be very white. )

    – that racial diversity means not having a majority of wypipo. I would beg to differ. There are schools here that are 98% Asian. Or 98% Hispanic. That is certainly not diverse.

    – that your kid with ADHD, autism, physical or emotional disabilities will get the support they need at an underfunded public school. Or that there will be programs for them. Change happens (often, not always) much faster at a private school than through a public school bureaucracy.

    – that sending your kid to private school = raising a racist. This is absolutely not true. Particularly if you yourself are a person of color. There ARE private schools that greatly value racial and socioeconomic diversity, and create programs specifically to bring in people from all walks of life.

    Will you force your kids to attend your local underperforming college? Work a menial job? When does this downwardly-mobile thing end? And if a poor kid gets a scholarship to a mostly-white private school, should they turn it down to attend their local public school?

  52. Christina

    This is all fine and well in kindergarten and elementary school, but I would like to hear back when the author’s child is in middle or high school.

    We moved from a very white, affluent area in one state to a majority-minority, mixed income area in another state. My son had been an average student before we moved. We thought about private school but instead enrolled him in the local public high school in our new neighborhood, which was 85% black and a 50% free lunch rate but had a reputation of being the best schools in the district.

    He thrived academically. Suddenly the B/C student was A/A+. His teachers loved him, he made lots of friends from different backgrounds. We thought his previous poor performance was due to family and social difficulties at his old school and were thrilled at how well he was doing. His senior year, he was accepted to a good college.

    Unfortunately, when he got to college, it was clear how poor the quality of his education had been. He failed nearly every class his first semester, despite working hard and taking extra tutoring. His second semester was marginally better, but not much. It was terribly demoralizing. He ended up losing his scholarship and dropping out. He’s now working a blue-collar job that doesn’t pay particularly well, and never did get a degree.

    There are a lot of factors at play, and I’m not going to say his high school experience was totally responsible for what happened in college. I’m glad he has a diverse social circle and was exposed to the friends and classmates he was. But if I knew then what I know now, I would have picked the private school.

  53. Heather M.

    Dear ILOVECAKE,

    I’m writing a book about the way that racist structures and practices engender costs to white people in the US, and the search for the “good” school — as well as the threat of raising a child in a segregated environment — is one of these costs. I’d love to interview you for the book. Would you be willing to be in touch? If so, please send me a note at linkedfatebook@gmail.com. Thanks so much for this post, and for being part of the way forward in America.

    -Heather

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